On disciplining children
This is a post I've been thinking about a lot but I've been hesitant to write it. Really it is just me thinking out loud (in writing, I guess). I'm trying to make sure I don't give a wrong impression about who I am and how I discipline.
Before we had kids I didn't think I wanted to spank my kids. I don't like the idea of corporal punishment and I don't like being the administrator of that kind of punishment. Hitting doesn't solve anything and I don't want to teach my kids to hit. So, I didn't think I would spank my kids.
Then I had kids. Helen is a lovely, intelligent child who loves to push her boundaries. Sometimes no amount of saying no will stop her from doing what she shouldn't be doing. Sometimes the only way to get her attention is to spank her. She's not yet three. Taking away privileges doesn't really work, it isn't immediate enough and, plus, there aren't a lot of things I could take away from her that wouldn't also be punishing myself in some way. I like taking her to the park, for example, so taking that away from her, which would be a punishment, would also be taking away from my quality time with her and a nice time away from the house. That's not really what I'm trying to accomplish with discipline.
Back to spanking. Sometimes when she is being her almost-3-year-old temper-tantrum-throwing self I find myself getting angry or frustrated. But I don't want to spank her because I am angry or frustrated. My purpose in spanking is to correct bad behavior. But how do I get that message across and not the don't make mommy mad or she'll spank you message?
This is one difficult thing about being the parent who is with the children most. I end up doing the vast majority of the disciplining because I am the person here when behavior issues crop up. My husband works a lot. When he comes home Helen is thrilled to have her daddy home and acts like sunshine and flowers. Sometimes she does not have her best behavior on for me. I don't want to be the mean parent. I want to be the fun parent! I also refuse to wait until daddy comes home to deal with discipline issues. Doing that doesn't address the issue when it needs to be addressed and it also turns daddy's homecoming into something to be afraid of. I don't want that.
Sometimes parenting is hard.
2 comments:
yes it is!!
An older man (in his 80's) told us that his parents only spanked them a few select times in their childhood, but he spanked them hard and they learned the lesson and never repeated the offense. (Not beaten abuse hard, but lovingly hard, kwim??) Discussing anything regarding spanking is SOOOO hard b/c everyone comes from it from a different perspective and you don't really know what people mean...
Anyways, back to this older man... we liked the idea behind this - we don't want to be spanking our children throughout their childhood because we want them to be OBEYING throughout their childhood. And that's what this man said worked with him and his siblings (he never had his own children.) He also said they probably got more spankings when they were toddler age, but he couldn't remember those. But it was just a handful as a child and he remembered all of them.
When Judah gets a spanking I always hug him, tell him I love him and explain why he got the spanking and then pray with him. I went through the "I won't spank him" stage and, honestly, he is SO much worse if he isn't being spanked. Time outs don't have the same attitude adjustment.
Bravo for tackling this subject :)
Oooh, good topic. I think I will be a spanker when I have kids but, of course, I have no experience there yet. :)
My parents spanked us and although they didn't always do it perfectly, when we were a little older I remember my dad calmly explaining why were getting spanked, to get the belt, to bend over and touch our ankles so he wouldn't hit anywhere else by mistake. I always thought he was being very fair and tried hard not to commit the offense again.
Have you read the Raising Godly Tomatoes method? I think I'd like to try it once I have kids. Here's the link: http://www.raisinggodlytomatoes.com/ch01.asp
-Beulah
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